No Wonder I feel So Sad

I suddenly realized how long it's been since we lost our twins to early miscarriage. It really has been months. They should have been due in early January. We still have to bury the placenta under a rosebush next Spring.

I don't know if I'll ever look forward to being pregnant again. Sometimes DH and I entertain the idea of trying again in the next few years. But usually I just say I'm happy with the two we have. The worst part of the whole ordeal was finding out we'd lost the babies at the same ultrasound that we found out there were two sacs, and that they'd passed weeks earlier. The fact that I was so overjoyously happy with being pregnant again while unknowingly carrying my dead babies inside me for a month is just horrible. Horrible! Horrible! Horrible! They should have been around 10-11 weeks at the u/s and instead were only 6 weeks.

Oh and plus, I went to the gyno's about 2 weeks ago to get on the Nuvaring and the nurse there asked me how old my newborn was. I told her I didn't have one, and that my youngest child is two years. She was genuinely confused so I had to explain that we'd lost the pregancy. Gahhhh! Shouldn't they write that down in the freaking chart! I didn't want to have to say that outloud.

Sigh.

Rejection is sad

Last year it was close to the holiday season, and the store had a fundraiser game made with about ten plastic jars. Each jar had a photo of a baby taped to it. The idea of the game was you voted for the cutest baby by putting some money in one of the jars. The money was going to a charitable cause in town.

I thought it was a cute idea until I took a really close look at the jars and realized that some of the jars had at least $50 in the bottom, and some of the jars only had a few cents. Then my heart just sank for those parents. Could you imagine, leaving a jar with your very loved little precious baby's photo, there to be judged by hundreds of strangers, and over and over again another baby is picked as being cuter than yours? If I had the money at the time I would have added enough to each jar to make them all nearly equal. I dropped what change I could spare into the jar with the least amount of money and made a wish deep in my heart that those mostly empty jars would get many generous donations before the end of the contest.